Thursday, November 10, 2016

To My Protesting Friends, You're Doing it Wrong (A How-To From A White Ally)

So, y'all, after the clusterfuck that was Trump winning the election there have been protests across the nation because people are angry and because PROTESTING is one of the most American things that you can do. But ... according to my Facebook feed ... y'all are doing it wrong.

And you are upsetting white people!

So, I have researched and I have some pointers on how to protest
so that WHITE AMERICA (you know, America, like how the Evangelical vote was for Trump, except for the Black Evangelical vote, which is historically liberal.)

Let's start with our words.

Realize first that white people voted for Trump because of God, Economics, The Second Amendment and Our Children. (Did y'all even realize that white women had abortions?)

If a white person says or does or promotes or elects something that is:

Anti-Semitic or

Don't use those words to let them know. Actually ... Don't bring it up at all because those words are mean and white people are delicate with fragile feelings and letting us know that our behavior has a dangerous impact on people who are not white is bullying.

And white people are against bullying.

Unless you are a privileged, entitled, greedy, spoiled, braggy, white sexual predator ... and then, well,
that's just how men are, right ladies?

And if you are going to say anything about "Lives Mattering", then it needs to be ALL or BLUE.

Unless the person who killed the Blue Lives is a white, confederate-flag waving domestic terrorist. Then you need to concede that that guy is an aberration and a retard.

Speaking of which, if your child is participating in the protest, and they aren't normal, you know, they're special, then they need to be special in a way that doesn't make us uncomfortable or inconvenienced with their disability. I would recommend a verbal, attractive kid with Down Syndrome, like that girl that became a model, or that kid that got accepted to college. Maybe not so much the kids who the normal kids ask to prom. Because, they're okay when we want to admire our normal kids for giving up something important, but in person, we need a disability that we can see and feel good about ourselves for admiring that they can be almost like people, but not anything that we won't notice or will bring us down.

And speaking of broken, if you are going to have any veterans, they need to be maimed in some way.  And the more horrific, the better, because we need to look at them and imagine what they were like when they were normal. And we want to be able to point to them as examples of who we should be taking care of, if we had the money, because economics. And, of course the vet needs to be a man, because women aren't really veterans.

Speaking of men, let's address the biggest problem with these protests. They are too diverse. You need to gather healthy white men (25-40) who regularly make love to their guns. They need to take those guns to an overpass and threaten law enforcement. (Call Fox News, don't tell them that you are specifically protesting Trump.) Then, those white men and their friends and THEIR guns need to seize some sort of federal building. If they can damage property, even better! If that property is some sort of Native or minority artifact, you're gold! Entrench yourself there and promote sedition! But, whatever you do, do not take your snacks with you! That's sissy.  If you get peckish, demand your snacks like a man. Use this opportunity to lament the fact that we won't get taco trucks on every corner. We know this tactic works. America (you know, White America) approves of this method! Ask the Bundys.

(Some of you may wonder, could we use Native American men instead of white men? And I see your thinking there, as long as they didn't look too native or too white, but, no. White people will admire the mystic nobility of the Native American, but eh, seriously, they have casinos! AND they keep whining about mascots and won't let white people play with their pretty headdresses. As I have already discussed, that's bullying.)

There you go! Easy-peasy, right? I know you just needed a few little tips on how to protest so white people won't be uncomfortable. So, go fight the good fight, y'all!

written: 11/10/16

So at the deepest depths of my despair, there was, unsurprisingly, anger. And writing while angry results in satire, which y'all know makes me uncomfortable. The thing about satire is that you just can't call anything satire and it be okay. There is a line between art and oppression, and I don't quite trust myself on that line yet. All of that written so that you know that if you have any critiques, I am open. (Unless you actually complain that this is mean to white people.)

Friday, September 9, 2016


my kids to school

my son
started talking about
Chuck E. Cheese

and I remembered
sometimes on Wednesdays


would pick us up instead
of Mama
because Wednesday was one
of your days off.

The first time
I was surprised.
That's my Grampy!
And you took me to Krystals
because Mama was sick.

And then Chuck E. Cheese came
and you would take us there.

And here was Eli
in the backseat
on a Wednesday
on the way to school
talking about Chuck E. Cheese.

And I could see your face
with your smile
and your smooth

And I could hear your

And I could feel the
of seeing my

written: 9/9/16

Twenty-seven years and I still really miss my Grampy.

Saturday, August 20, 2016


So I need
to tell y'all something

but I want to preface it

I want to give all the reasons why
the following confession is a lie

but it's not.

I am a racist.

I am a 46 year old white woman who spent almost
my whole life


privilege and racism
run through me like blood.

I wish it weren't true.

I mean, it's not like I'm promoting white power
or telling racist jokes
or referring to the Them with the capital T
or giving the interview to Mary before Maria
or sharing the ugly meme
or asserting that, no, ALL lives matter
or doing the elbow sneak to lock my car door in the bad neighborhood.
I'm not even voting for Trump.

It's because I could not understand rioting until I read about Stonewall
 (and even then I only pictured white men).

It because I only want to go to the restaurants in those bad neighborhoods
 when I want really good Chinese food.

Because I forget that people who speak both AAVE and English
 are bilingual.

Because not so many years ago I would have been an all-lives-matter person.

Because I don't always speak up when I should because I don't want to hear the phrases
 I'm not racist but ...
 I don't mean to sound racist but ...
 Any of my black friends will tell you that I'm not a racist ...
 That's not racist, you're just

And there was probably some truth to the last one.

But I am not guilty anymore.

Because all my guilt ever did was make me deny my racism harder.

I can't change what I don't own.

And I own my racism.

written 8-20-16

I don't know if this one is done or not. I think it says what I want it to, but I'm not sure. It is one of those that makes me feel vulnerable, so it's hard to tell.

Also, since when CAN'T I think of a title for something? So obviously not finished. 

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Pretty Planner Götterdämmerung: Catching Up

It's been a while, but here's episode 2 of Pretty Planner Gotterdammerung. You can find a copy of episode 1 here.


posted to YouTube 7/3/16

Monday, June 20, 2016

Lookout Janet

Continuing with another picture of something found,here's this page from somebody's day planner. Janet really needs to watch out.  I transcribed it below.

                                                                                                                  May 31, 2016

Daily Quote:

     "Be pleasant until ten o'clock in the morning and the rest of the day will take care of itself." Elbert Hubbard

Daily Agenda:

     10:15   Wake up
     10:20   Breakfast
     10:50   Prepare for the day
     11:30   Annihilate some motherfuckers
     12:30   Lunch
     1:00    Take Fluffy to the vet
     2:30     Buy bunny treats
     3:00     Fuck up Janet's campaign for Junior League Treasurer
     5:00    Supper
     6:00    Ablution
     7:30 ->Free Time

transcribed 6/20/16

A little planner piece for you. (oh, see what I did?) And I think that there may be a new installment of Pretty Planner Gotterdamerung coming to a YouTube channel in your local viewing area! 

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Found Diary

So I found this diary recently. I thought it was pretty interesting. Maybe this person should take a nap.  The text is transcribed below without edits.

                                                                                                         3/29/16 [cut off in photo]

Dear Fucking Diary,

    The world is so mean. Here I am, trying to do everyone a favor, and they dump on me. And I don't know why? I mean, I know all the greatest words, right? The best words. The best fucking words EVER and all they do is mock me. And it shouldn't matter, it really shouldn't matter what mean people or the liberal-biased media says, after all, I have a young and beautiful piece of ass, but still. It hurts. It hurts way bad. I promise to build a great wall- because nobody builds walls better than me, believe me- that is inexpensive AND paid for by Mexico- and do they appreciate it? NOOOOOOOO! I try to tell them about my "extremely credible source that can prove that birth certificate is fake-and they ignore me. This is why politics is such a disgrace- why good people don't go into government. Because of the bullies and meanyfaces who don't recognize my awesomamilitude!
     You think they never watched TV before. Like they don't know who I AM. And you know all of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me-consciously or unconsciously (so expected) and still all people want to do is drag me down.
     Filthy pigs.
     And it is sooooo not TRUE.
     [see picture above of drawing of hand]

     My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.

     Just watch. They'll beg me. Please be our boss. We neeed you so much to make America unsuck. And I'll just be like NOPE!!! 

     Sorry America. Sorry uneducated people. It's okay. My IQ is one of the highest-and you all know it! Please don't feel stupid or insecure; it's not your fault.
     But you won't let me be president. So I'm not gonna play with you ANYMORE AMERICA!

     Sorry, there is no STAR on the stage tonight.

transcribed 6/11/16

I wonder what else I can find laying around Alabama? 

Wednesday, May 4, 2016


there's that moment
when you
               look back

that almost all
of your decisions
were the

Wrong ones.

Because you believed Helena
when she said

"Where will you find anyone else who will



(Huge mistake from an otherwise excellent and gentle counselor.)

But maybe not such a bad question

when almost every move
of my adult life
has been predicated on that question.

Learning along the way that

I need to be loved by anyone else


that I am fundamentally unlovable
and that any regard
must be won with

and I let it break me
(although Melissa asserts that I am not broken.)

I am broken with
what I sacrificed
the job
the house
the car
the dog
the degree
the license
the joy
the comfort of myself
the unconditional okayness of me

and I try to hold the pieces
of what is left
together with
a sense of humor.

When what I want is to run
but I can't
because two more people
are linked to me

and I want to change
but I can't
because I now have a role that requires
to others and
never to

And so
wait for it
to be over

while my anger
flames throughout me

maybe I am a phoenix


get out of the way

because I yearn to


written 5/4/16

What happens when you can't get in touch with your doctor to get your prozac refilled. I read that people who have depression are able to see things more realistically, that happiness requires a level of self-deception.  I don't know if I want to lie to myself at all right now. I think, at this moment, I am too old for that shit. I can be young and self-deceiving some other day.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Thirty: Now That It's Over

now it's over
maybe I can visit blogs
read what's written.

written 4/30/16 for

 I have a lot of reading to catch up on.

Friday, April 29, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Nine: A Good Day To Cry

doctor saddens me
still I binge watch compulsively
today's for sobbing.

written 4/29/16 for

He gets to me, the Doctor does.

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Eight: An Odd Sort of NaPo

four things scheduled
in as many days, my
depression is pissed.

written 4/29/16 for

This has been a weird NaPo year for me.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Seven: Don't Blink

my son fanboys
Weeping Angels, watching with me
growing during blinks

written 4/27/16

My little fellow is growing up too fast. 

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Six: Happy Birthday Jo

so much accomplished
in such a short time
deserves our celebrations!

written 4/27/16 for

So for the 26th, my daughter participated in the Special Olympics, and my friend Jo had both a birthday and a film screening. It was a good day.

Monday, April 25, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Five: Help Me Out

coughing up frogs
that's gotta mean something like
armageddon or ...

written 4/25/16

Holy fuck, I have run outta words. I have failed my form. What would fit? Butts? Hemorrhoids? Constipation? Republicans? Feminazis? (yes, I am still pissed about that.)

I am open to suggestions.

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Four: I Thought I Had Posted A Poem

Saturday night
I dreamed that my throat
was sore
        just a little twinge every tenth swallow

and my mouth felt fluffy
even after eating blackberries

so i looked in the mirror and moths
black and more lovebug
than moth looking
were crawling on my teeth
        which were purple from the blackberries
and the moths, which i knew were moths
and not lovebugs because
my mouth felt glimmery

those lovebug looking moths
wouldn't get out of my mouth
until i spit
and then they were dead
their wadded bodies in the sink

and my throat twinged and made me cough

i coughed up a handful of muck
which turned out to be a bunch of baby green frogs
looking at me like
what the fuck, heidi?

and i was unsure if they were upset
that they were in my throat
or that i had coughed them up.

as it occurred to me to be
freaked out

i woke up

with a twinge in my throat on the tenth swallow.

and i learned that if you google
"dream of coughing up f"
it will auto suggest

which, to me, is next level freaky shit.

which is why i am writing this on the twenty-fifth instead the twenty-fourth.

written 4/25/16 for

I have some fucked up dreams y'all.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Three: Ouroborous

everything in decay
breaking without warning requesting new
start again tomorrow.

written 4/23/16 for

What would I do without Collom Lunes?

Friday, April 22, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Two: The Oak Tree

erupting in green
new leaves reach towards sun
shading the yard.

written 4/22/16 for

Thursday, April 21, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-One: Standing Vigil

across the yard
the gingerbread children watch silently
the witch beckons.

written 4/21/16 for

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty: Tardy

I'm a racetrack-turtle
Moving too fast and creeping
Early for tardiness.

written 4/20/21 for

I'd be on time if I lived on the west coast, but, as it is, I am a little late with a scrawled and token kenning.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Nineteen: How To Get Out of Trouble

Why are there melted chocolate chips in the bed?!?!?!?!!
My six year old freezes midstep, and turns to look at me.

Mom, that was so kind of you to buy those chocolate chips
and you're such a good cheffer at making cookies.


You look really pretty with the white streaks in your hair.


I crack first.

Then he laughs with me.

Get outta here kid and go clean off those chocolate chips!
You're still in trouble!!!!

I watch his curly head as he bounces off
then, absentmindedly,

go make some cookies.

written 4/19/16 for

Hey look! I'm on prompt and raising a con man!

Monday, April 18, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Eighteen: Found Feminazi Part Two: A Nice Lady


call her a name




          I made a 


 about Feminazis 


*just happened* 

to be 

p r e c e d e d 

by her comments. 






written 4/18/16 for

I will so write a motherfucker.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Seventeen: Found Feminazi



Ever try 
to argue 
-for their side- 
and simultaneously 



I'll just keep supporting 





 how I can never 

written 4/17/16 for 

So you know what happens when you troll a NaPoWriMo'er on Facebook? They turn your shit into found poetry! Troll away!

Saturday, April 16, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Sixteen: Hey Y'all, Let's All of Us Watch Squirm!

watching MST3K play
oversoutherned accents fighting electrified worms
makes me Squirm.

written 4/16/16 for

I am so late writing again! But I sort of wrote about something, right?

Friday, April 15, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Fifteen: Fuck You J.J. Abrams (contains spoilers)

Star Trek reboot
Let's reduce Uhura's cool to
just Spock's armcandy

and Spock's moment?
where he embraces his humanity?
given to Kirk.

one last chance
maybe you'll awaken the Force ...
You. Murdering. Bastard.

written 4/15/16 for

Fuck you so hard, J.J. Abrams! Although, I am actually putting something into the writing today. Maybe there's a lift in the Depression onset writer's block I have been experiencing. Although that may have also been wrote-something-too-emotionally-draining-and-needed-to-recover.  I also have a lot of NaPo reading to do now!!!

Thursday, April 14, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Fourteen: Nope

nope nope nope
nope nope nope NOOOOOpe nope
No.  No.  No.

written 4/14/16 for

and the real fucker of it all is that, early this morning, when I finally started to fall asleep, this, awesome free verse flowed through me and it was fierce and powerful and pissed off and sad and funny, and I can't remember one. fucking. word. of. it. and i have tried all fucking day.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Thirteen: Collom Lune

expletive expletive expletive
declarative statement with emotional relevance
poem poem poem

written 4/13/16 for

Sorry for phoning it in the last few days, maybe I should put a disclaimer on these. I didn't even check out the prompt today. :(

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twelve: Stitches

my little one
so brave when faced with
stitching up bobos.

written 4/12/16 for

Nope. Still not feeling it.

Monday, April 11, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Eleven: Writing About Not Writing

I do not want to write today
I do not care what you may say
My stomach, she is really mad
Which makes my boody really sad
So excuse me, I am on my way
To binge watch MST3K.

written 4/11/16 for

I just ain't feeling it y'all.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Ten: Off Prompt

listen to me
you will understand if just
you will listen.

written 4/10/16 for

I liked the prompt for today, but I am running late, so I just wrote this. 

Saturday, April 9, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Nine: Idoltury

I refuse to worship
the soldier,
to give credit to the military
for the sacrifices of civilians

placing on an alter
a false profit
a negative gain
unquestioned obedience
getting credit
for the work of thugs and communists and feminazis and terrorists and hippie treehuggers

as our suffrage decreases
and our suffering increases
I resent mutilated humans flashed on facebook
as cheap inspiration porn
fueling the self gratification of fear
and ejaculating hate

send our children to made up wars
to prove your dick is bigger than
your dad's
and use their broken bodies
and shattered souls
to shame an Olympic heroine
or deny safety, mercy and grace to a refugee

i will not worship hate
i will not disrespect humanity
with false flattery
seducing the afraid and ignorant
to offer up their arms
as sacrifices

there are just some things I will not fear

written 4/9/16 for

Blarg! Today we are supposed to write something that is scary for us to write. And, yes, I totally wrote that what is scary for me is not being afraid. This is a really raw (translation: if you need to critique, tread softly, because I can't be objective about this one yet) free write free verse. I need to go write something funny now. 

Friday, April 8, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Eight: dandelion seeds

wishing on dandelions
send the petals flying away
bring me peace.

written 4/8/16 for

Today's post was to write about a flower. I think that dandelions are amazing and beautiful. 

Thursday, April 7, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Seven: His Song

i'm not hungry
nor lost in the memory
saying your name

my lips name
no thirst no pseudo hungry
just the memory

tender stabbing memory
the taste of your name
it sounds hungry

the name in my memory leaves me hungry.

written 4/7/16 for 

Today's prompt was to write a tritina. And since I was writing tercets anyway ... Collom Lune! (and yes, I totally said that in my head in Gru's "lipstick taser" voice. )

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Six: Tacos Tacos Tacos

I like crunchy
spicy crisp creamy cheesy filling
tortilla wrapped heaven.

written 4/6/16 for

I want tacos for breakfast, but I don't want to go make them. I'm thinking about just having taco fixings always at the ready, just for taco emergencies such as these.  And in case you didn't see, the NaPo prompt today was to write about food.  Anyone want to bring me a taco? I'll be your best friend!

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Five: My Flower

young bud blooming
blue, ivory, yellow, pink hues
my sweet girl.

written 4/5/16 for

I went off prompt today. Happy birthday to my favorite girl!

Monday, April 4, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Four: Cruel

the cruelest month
is forever the one where
I said goodbye.

written: 4/4/16 for

Blah! I am feeling a little burned out today. It seems early in the month to dread coming to a prompt. Maybe it just that it's Monday, and the weekends wear me out. Today's prompt was to write about the cruelest month. Blah+burned out+NaPo prompt=COLLOM LUNE!!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 3, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Three: Hovering

i am
your biggest fan
hovering over the
line between admiration and

written: 4/3/16 for

So for day three, the prompt is to write a fan letter. Sometimes I worry that I am too much of a fangirl of whatever or whomever holds my attention.  (This is one of those times that I don't like that I lean so much to confessionalist poetry.) Also, I am totally one syllable over regulation for a cinquain.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Two: Rock Stars

photo and poem by heidi helmer

I live in
a state of constant awe
my rock stars.

written 4/2/16

Today we are writing a family portrait.  Once again, I have chosen to write a Collom Lune because I LOVE THEM SO MUCH! Be sure to check out the NaPo site and have fun getting your poem on!

Friday, April 1, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day One: Lunar Shower

Poem a day
the challenge begins, showering April
with lovely words.

written: 4/1/16

Woohoo! It's time for NaPoWriMo! And we're starting off with lunes, which, you may remember are my most favorite form! I chose the Collom Lune for which is a tercet with word counts for each line. Lines one and three have three words and line two has five. Happy poeming y'all! (Also so counting this towards my Camp NaNoWriMo word count. All the words! Yay!)

Friday, February 12, 2016

A Quatrain For Your Birthday

today is your birthday
and I hope it's full of cheer
and I wish that you may
avoid drinking skunky beer!

written: 2/12/16

Okay, so I am really rusty on the quatrain front. This one did make me giggle, though. I hope my friend has an awesome birthday today and many happy returns!

Thursday, January 21, 2016


my sad heart
like the elephant's storied memory
will never forget.

written: 1/21/16

So very excited to see you post something you've written. (And no cow flop!)